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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29348697">We'll be Okay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingHurts4632/pseuds/ShippingHurts4632'>ShippingHurts4632</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:40:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,331</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29348697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingHurts4632/pseuds/ShippingHurts4632</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve dies in battle. Tony copes. At least, he tries to.</p><p>TW: Self harm, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts alcohol abuse</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>We'll be Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This takes place a few years after the Winter Soldier, and ignores the events of Age of Ultron along with movies that come after it</p><p>TW: Self harm, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts alcohol abuse</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
Natasha finds him. He should be grateful. He doesn’t know how far it would have gotten if she hadn’t checked on him. He might not even be there anymore. Yet, he isn’t grateful. He doesn’t want to be there. He wants to be with Steve. It’s too bad that he wasn’t there for Steve when Steve needed him. Maybe he wouldn’t be in this mess if he had been there. He should have been there. </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t say anything at first. She places her hand on his, which is gripped on the knife hovering over his wrist. Thin streams of blood already pooling into the sink. She leaves her hand on his until his grip on the knife weakens. He lets her take it from him. </p><p> </p><p>Tony doesn’t look up, not even as she starts cleaning the cuts he made. He keeps his gaze focused on the mirror in front of him. He sees himself, he recognizes himself. He hasn’t seen this version of himself in years. An empty look in his eyes, his face is thin and haggard and he’s lost weight. He deserves it. He deserves worse. Steve is gone because of him. </p><p> </p><p>Nat finishes cleaning and bandaging the cuts. She carefully leads him back to his and Steve’s room. His room. Steve hasn’t used it in months. And he never will again. He sits on the bed. His side, at least when he shared it with Steve. Both sides belong to him now. </p><p> </p><p>Tony hears Nat talk to J.A.R.V.I.S before leaving. Promising to be back with food and water. He can’t remember the last time he ate. A week ago? Maybe more. Wherever he spent long periods of time in the lab, Steve used to check up on him and made sure he would eat. But that was before. </p><p> </p><p>They tell him to forgive himself. That it’s not his fault. They being the team. And Pepper. And Rhodey. Even Barnes tells him that he doesn’t blame him. Tony became good at reading people over the years. One look in his eyes and he knows Barnes is lying.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone is wrong. He should have been with Steve. Instead, he was trying to rescue a woman trapped under the rubble of a collapsed building. The woman he was saving didn’t even survive. </p><p> </p><p>He still remembers finding Steve trapped under the rubble of another building. His face was covered in dust and grime. Begging Tony to stop lifting the rubble, that he didn’t want to see himself bleed out.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “T-T-Tones. Please, stop. Please. It will be okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll be...” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tony slammed his fist against a wall. He doesn’t remember when he stood up. It had been months, but he could never forget Steve’s last few minutes. He remembered the way Steve’s breaths had gotten shorter. How his sentences had trailed off. His voice was unlike his normal one. He was gasping and choking on the air. His voice was filled with pain. Tony couldn’t forget the way his voice sounded in his last few minutes alive. He was so focused on Steve’s last words, that he had forgotten the way he regularly sounded.</p><p> </p><p>It's a common belief that the first thing you forget about someone is their voice. Tony found this to be true. He could remember almost everything else, but not his voice. Or his laugh. Tony remembered that he loved Steve’s laugh. He wished he could hear it again, if only to be reminded of what it sounded like. </p>
<hr/><p>Nat tells the rest of the team. And eventually, Fury finds out. He demands that Tony visit a therapist. Naturally, Tony refuses. He says he’s fine. Everyone knows he’s lying. Even he knows he’s lying. He doesn’t deserve to be fine. He should suffer and be punished, but they won’t let him.</p><p> </p><p> He’s drinking again. The floor of his lab is littered with bottles of beer and scotch. No one knows, but Rhodey and Pepper suspect it. They beg him to step. Tony doesn’t listen to them. He locks himself in his lab for four days and orders J.A.R.V.I.S not to let anyone in. After the fourth day, Tony collapses and starts choking on his own vomit. The doors unlock.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t remember much after that. Someone shouted and then there were sirens and flashing lights. Needles. Lots of needles. Doctors hurrying in and out of his room. Then he lost consciousness. When he woke up he was alone in a hospital room. </p><p> </p><p>A week after being released from the hospital, Rhodey and Pepper forced Tony to talk to someone. They all but dragged him to the appointment. </p><p> </p><p>“Has this ever happened before?” The woman across from him - Dr. Vitale - asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tony doesn’t answer her. He stares at a point above her head, his gaze hasn’t faltered in the half hour he’s been there. </p><p> </p><p>“Tony we-,” Dr. Vitale starts, but he cuts her off.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s Mr. Stark. My friends call me Tony. You aren’t my friend,” Tony says sharply. They are the first words he’s said the entire session.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, Mr. Stark, we aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t answer my questions,” she says.</p><p> </p><p>“We don’t need to get anywhere,” Tony answers, “nothing happened. This is a waste of my time and a waste of your time. Wouldn’t you rather help someone that needs to be helped?”</p><p> </p><p>“You need help. You might not want it, but you need it. Everyone can see that. I know, deep down, you can see it too. Let me help you, I want to help you,” Dr. Vitale tells him.</p><p> </p><p>Tony studies her. Her blonde hair is cut short and streaked with grey. Her eyes are a pale green that are filled with softness. Her mouth is set into a firm line as she flips the pages of his file.</p><p> </p><p>Tony thinks about Steve. About a conversation the two of them had after a year or so of dating. The mission had gone wrong and both of them were left in critical condition.</p><p> </p><p><em> “If I die,” Steve had said, “I want -.” </em> <em><br/>
<br/>
</em></p><p>
  <em> “You aren’t going to die first,” Tony interrupted. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You’re not dying on my watch,” Steve told him, turning to look at him on the other side of the bed. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “One of us has to die first, you know,” Tony responded. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “And it will be me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I-.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “No interruptions,” Steve said, “If I die, I don’t want you to blame yourself. And don’t shut yourself off from everyone. Especially the team. If anything happens to one of us, we won’t be able to continue functioning without each other. We need each other.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You’re aren’t going to die first,” Tony repeated. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I mean it Tony. Do not blame yourself. Do not hurt yourself. Promise me. Promise me you’ll look after yourself. And you will move on,” Steve said sternly. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Steve,” Tony started. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “Promise me, Tony. I need you to promise me.” </em> <em><br/>
<br/>
</em></p><p>
  <em> “Fine, I promise,” Tony said, “only if you do the same for me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You’re not dying first,” Steve replied.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>As always, Steve was right. Tony blinked back to the present. Dr. Vitale was still staring at him. Steve’s words echoed in his head. He had broken his promise.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright,” Tony says, barely louder than a whisper, but Dr. Vitale heard him.</p><p> </p><p>“Let me ask you again, has this ever happened before?”</p>
<hr/><p>Months passed and eventually it had been eight months since Steve’s death. Tony started eating again. The drinking never stopped. And he rarely gets sleep. But he tries. Dr. Vitale tells him it’s an improvement and to keep working.</p><p> </p><p>He meets her weekly. They talk about several topics. Steve, Howard, Afghanistan, the team and J.A.R.V.I.S just to name a few. Dr. Vitale says he’s making progress, but he doesn’t believe her. </p><p> </p><p>Whenever he manages to fall asleep, often due to over exerting his energy, he wakes up drenched in sweat a few hours later. His dreams are haunted by Steve. His final moments play over and over again in his mind. Sometimes Steve is joined by Howard. Sometimes Tony is at his funeral when he walks up and starts blaming Tony for his death.</p><p> </p><p>Dr. Vitale didn’t know about the nightmares. Tony couldn’t figure out the right way to tell her, so he decided not to. Sleep’s overrated anyway. He’s better off without it. Despite what J.A.R.V.I.S and Rhodey say. </p><p> </p><p>As far as Rhodey and Pepper knew, he got enough sleep. He commanded J.A.R.V.I.S not to tell them. The only person that can override his command is dead. </p><p> </p><p>Steve had been granted special access about six months after they started dating. He would use it to make sure Tony got enough sleep. To make sure he hadn’t forgotten to eat or drink water.</p><p> </p><p>Tony had lost track of how many days he went without sleep or food. He would just spend his days locked in his lab. He had no idea what he creates some days, or if they even work, but he has to spend his time doing something.</p><p> </p><p>“Tony. Tony. Tony!” Someone shouted, interrupting his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>He looks up to see Bruce looking at him. Tony looks around the room and realizes he’s in the kitchen, surrounded by the other Avengers and Bucky. They seem to be playing some sort of card game.</p><p> </p><p>“Would you like to join?” Nat asks.</p><p> </p><p>“No, I’m finishing something in the lab,” Tony answers.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s movie night, tonight. It starts at 9, feel free to join,” Bruce says.</p><p> </p><p>“Movie night?” Tony asks before he can stop himself, “when did you start doing that again.” It comes out sharper than he intended. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh..um...a few months ago, we thought it would help boost team morale,” Bruce responds hesitantly.</p><p> </p><p>“Steve started movie night,” Tony says bitterly.</p><p> </p><p>No one says anything. Tony takes a sip of the alcohol resting in glass. The pungent taste burns as it goes down his throat. It’s a lot stronger than usual. He glances at the bottle and doesn’t recognize the label. Nevertheless, he pours the dark liquid into the glass until it almost reaches the rim. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you going to drink all of that Stark?” He hears Clint ask, before Natasha jabs him with her elbow.</p><p> </p><p>“You never answered my question,” Tony stated simply as a response.</p><p> </p><p>“You never asked one,” Clint replied.</p><p> </p><p>Tony doesn’t respond to that. He takes another sip of his drink and is painfully aware of the others staring at him, still yet to return to their game.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you staring at?” He asks bitterly.</p><p>Still, no response.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going to answer?” Tony says, turning to face them, “really?”</p><p> </p><p>He slams his fist on the table, causing some liquid in the glass to spill over. The sight of it suddenly enrages him. He grabs it and throws it across the room. He’s dimly aware of what happens next.</p><p> </p><p>He hears voices, loud voices. He can’t make out what they are saying, but the sound echoes in his mind. Somehow he ends up sitting against a wall with this head in his hands. His face feels wet. He doesn’t remember crying. He doesn’t remember how long he sits there. It feels like hours, but it could have only been a few minutes.</p><p> </p><p>He feels strong arms wrap around him in a familiar embrace. He doesn’t fight it. Instead, he closes his eyes and lets himself drift away. To a place where Steve is still alive. A place where he isn’t alone. </p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> “Hey, Tony,” he hears Steve say. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What do you want Rogers?” Tony asks coldly. He looks up from his tools to see Steve leaning against the door to his lab </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “We’re back to last names now, Stark?” Steve responds. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “We have always used last names,” Tony answers. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I thought things may have...changed after…,” Steve trails off. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It was late. I was tired. Nothing has changed,” Tony says, looking back down at his project. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He hears Steve sigh and footsteps that fade into the distance. He orders J.A.R.V.I.S to lock the doors and blast his music. The familiar feel of the tools give him some sense of normalcy as he goes back to working. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Captain Rogers is requesting access, Sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S’ voice says as the music volume is decreased significantly, “Should I let him in.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony thinks back to the night before. Leaving the gala that the Avengers had been invited to, hours early and being confronted by Steve. Somehow they ended up going back to the tower together and he woke up in Steve’s bed in the morning. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He remembered the way Steve’s skin felt against his. Warm and heavily muscled, pressing against him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony blocked the memories out and told J.A.R.V.I.S to deny access. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “He seems quite adamant about talking to you, Sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S informs him </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Fine,” Tony says, thinking that it’s better to just get it over with, “let him in.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The doors click open and before Tony can say anything, he finds himself pushed off his chair and against a wall. Steve towers over him, watching him carefully with those warm blue eyes. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I don’t regret anything. Even if nothing has changed. I don’t regret what we did,” Steve says. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What do you want?” Tony asks him, “Seriously, why are you here.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Go on a date with me,” Steve states coolly.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Under normal circumstances, Tony would have laughed. But he had just slept with Steve Rogers. Captain fucking America. And now, said man, was standing over him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Get out of my face, Rogers,” Tony spat at him, or tried to. It came out timid. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Really? Are you sure about that? Just give us a chance, what do you have to lose.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony thinks back to Steve’s naked body. The way he felt. All of a sudden he’s filled with the urge to pull Steve down, but he resists. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “One date. Now, leave!” Tony replies.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Steve lowers his head and brushes his lips against Tony’s. He lingers for a moment and then steps back and walks away with a smile. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony doesn’t know it yet, but that was probably the best decision he ever made.  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> “Are you sure about that?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Please, stop. Please.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “We’ll be okay.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “If I die.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It will be okay.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>  “Promise me.” </em> <em><br/>
<br/>
</em></p><p>
  <em> “We’re back to last names now, Stark?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Promise me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tony jolts awake. He’s out of breath. Somehow, he’s in his own bed again. He doesn’t remember what happened after he collapsed in the kitchen. A quick glance at the clock tells him that half a day has passed.</p><p> </p><p>He slides off the bed and walks to the adjacent bathroom. He looks in the mirror and barely recognizes the man staring back at him. His hair is long and unruly. There are dark circles under his eyes. His stubble is severely overgrown. </p><p> </p><p>Tony looks exhausted. He is exhausted. A wave nausea crashes over him. He falls to the floor and starts coughing violently.  He falls to the bathroom floor and rests his head against the cool tiles.</p><p> </p><p>“I wish it could stop,” he mutters to himself , “just make it stop.”</p><p> </p><p>Eight months. How has he made it eight months. Eight months without hearing the sound of Steve’s voice. Eight months without hearing his laugh. WIthout touching him. He was barely  getting by.</p><p> </p><p>He missed Steve. More than anyone would ever understand. He couldn’t do this without Steve. He had told Steve everything. Things he had never told anyone, not even Pepper. And now he was gone. </p><p> </p><p>Steve had listened to everything Tony had told him. He had promised to stay. Tony didn’t believe he could trust anyone again before he started dating Steve. Steve proved him wrong, but none of it mattered. Steve was gone and Tony wasn’t sure if he could ever open up again. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to.</p><p> </p><p>Tears streamed down his face. He attempted to get up, but couldn’t. His body ached. Even closing his eyes caused excruciating pain. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Do not blame yourself. Do not hurt yourself. Promise me.” </em></p><p> </p><p><em> I’m sorry Steve, </em> Tony thinks to himself. <em> I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I broke my promise. </em></p><p> </p><p>Tony stumbles to his feet. He leans against the sink and walks back to his room. He goes through his belongings and the closet. Throwing clothes and journals aside. He finds the small wooden box he was looking for.</p><p> </p><p>He set it aside years ago, he had almost forgotten he had it. Tony lifts the lid off the box and reveals a small gun. He takes a deep breath and raises it to his head.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dust and smoke fill the air. Tony has no idea where the others are. He looks down at the woman in his arms, who has blood trickling down her face.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “J.A.R.V.I.S, locate Steve,” Tony commands.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Unable to locate Captain Rogers, Sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S responds. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He sets the woman on the ground near as he begins to look for Steve. Minutes pass and he grows more desperate,  Everywhere he looks he sees rubble and destruction. In the cloud of grey he notices something bright in the corner of his eye. He runs toward it. It’s Steve shield. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Steve!” Tony calls out, “Steve!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> No response. Just silence. But then… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Tony,” Steve’s voice weakly calls back.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony turns to look for him. He sees what looks like blue cloth peeking out from underneath the ruins of a building. He moves towards it and begins clearing the rubble away. After what seems like forever, he sees Steve’s face staring back at him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A quick scan shows Tony that Steve’s bleeding from his forehead. Dust and dirt cover his face. His eyelids flutter as he struggles to keep his eyes open.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Stay with me Steve,” Tony tells him as  he begins moving more rubble. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t,” Steve says. It’s one word. And his voice is barely audible, but it’s still powerful. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony ignores him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Stop Tony, you’ll make it...Ahh!” Whatever Steve was about to say is interrupted by his scream of pain. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony is by his side in seconds. He lifts his faceplate up, so Steve can see his face. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You are going to be fine,” Tony says firmly, “You’ve been through worse.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Not...this time Tony,” Steve answers between gasps, “it’s never been like this.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I’m not - I’m not losing you,” Tony pants. He’s out of breath. His voice is cracking. It was never supposed to end like this. He pushes and lifts more rubble off of Steve’s body, but there’s too much and not enough time. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “T-T-Tones. Please, stop. Please. It will be okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll be...” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Steve,” Tony cries, “don’t go. I can’t... I can’t….I need.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He can’t figure out what to say. All of a sudden it’s gone. No more sneaking away at galas. No more banter between the two or smiles exchanged between SHIELD meetings. He’ll never be able to watch Steve draw again. Never be able to cuddle with him during movies. There’ll be no comfort after his nightmares. It’s gone.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tony rests his head in the crook of Steve’s neck. Breathing in his scent one last time. Eventually it will fade. It will fade from his memories along with his voice and laugh. One day, he’ll forget the way Steve feels. He’ll forget the way his eyes light up when he talks about art. The way his embrace could calm Tony down in a matter of moments. The confused look he got when anyone made references to modern pop culture. All of it would be gone. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>BANG! </p><p> </p><p>Tony falls to floor moments before the door opens and Rhodey and Nat come rushing in. He doesn’t get up again.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'll probably edit it over the weekend to add some more details, but tell me what you think. I'd love to hear any feedback you have. Thank you so much for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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